My Unknowing


I at first had the title the breakdown is the door to the breakthrough. And then I thought, is a title necessary? And then I thought that's not really the proper way to title this post, so then the word unknowing popped up.

Have you ever had the feeling that your life is about to change? Like really change? That is where I am at in this year of 40. There is this great quote that I came across on the Facebook feed that states, "The first 40 years of childhood are the hardest." Y'all I LOLed on that one. I totally get that. Anybody with me? So much has happened this past year and it has all been perfectly divinely timed so that I can step into this new way of being. The adult. The Angelas of the past are no longer driving. They are being integrated and set free so that my beliefs, thoughts, and stories from childhood can no longer steer the ship. It's incredible yet it is paralyzing simultaneously because it's as if I don't have the answers yet have all the answers at the same time. It's living from a place of empty space or unknowing-nothing for the brain to draw from and decide, just not knowing and allowing not knowing. This is a place I have never been and never started from. It's new, it's uncertain, and it is temporary for sure as I get to know the new me.

It all started a year ago when I went through the most intense anxiety ever. It was triggered by Anthony Bourdain and Kate Spade's suicides. It literally was as if something took over me and my mind. You see we are all connected and I now know that others were also affected, but during that intense 8 week period, I was scared. I of course shared it with close friends, my husband, some family members, coaches, and my therapist. I believe that everything experienced in a physical form has a deep spiritual meaning. I believe that this time in my life was the way that my anxiety that had lived in my body since childhood was ready to be loved, felt and released. And that's what I did with the help of professionals and a dear family member and spiritual teacher. I trusted the painfully brutal process. I took epsom salt baths. I loved the part of me that was terrified for the very first time rather then shoving her away. I didn't believe my love of her first but had to keep practicing loving that little scared girl that was so in charge of my life and just wanted to be heard and seen and allowed to be free. I meditated like it was my job and still do twice a day up to this day. I told trusted people that I know where I am at and I know that this will pass, but I am anxious right now and I am allowing the process. I prayed y'all too. I prayed to my angels. I asked them about everything and leaned on them like I had never done. I was so uncomfortable yet I knew that this storm would pass and that it was up to me to wake up as the adult so that I could take care of the children within me like I never have. If it weren't for the ridiculous amounts of dragonflies around me wherever I would go, I don't know where I'd be right now. They were literally everywhere and I would laugh and thank my angels for reminding me that I am just transforming and that they are with me.

Right smack in the middle of this intense anxiety, I found out at a yearly exam at my OBGYN that I have lumps in both breasts and also in my right ovary. Y'all I was so fragile. I was trying to hold it together and I was struggling. I sat there after the breast exam and thought, well here is the fear that has been one since I was 13. The fear of cancer. Wow. And then I was like, wow Universe, this is a whole effing lot to deal with. Dang! So I went ahead and talked about my anxiety with my OBGYN and she recommended CBD oil. So I was like great, cause I am no way in hell taking medication. I was prescribed zoloft and wellbutrin 9 months after the birth of my first son during a family crisis that we couldn't talk to each other about in a healthy way and the only person that I was spending time with was a 9 month old and we lived quite a ways out of the city and y'all know that in that first year, you need all supplies on the ready, so we ended up staying home A LOT. Not healthy for me and neither are medications and that was easily determined by the professionals I was working with at that time. Ok back to CBD oil. So I was relieved that she didn't go straight to her prescription pad. I thought, ok this doctor is with the times and that's a good thing. So I got in touch with a distributor and ordered some. Y'all it didn't touch my anxiety. I laughed actually and knew in my gut that this just had to be felt and healed.

I scheduled a healing session with a friend and Cranio-Sacral Therapist and told her about my current anxiety and that CBD oil wasn't touching it and she said that it absolutely should be helping and I was like I got nothing even after a few weeks. So we did a healing session and it was amazing. She was visiting town and staying in a high rise and y'all I took the stairs when the person I was riding the elevator with got out halfway. That's how fragile I was. I told her that when I first saw her and we laughed. I bring that up because what surfaced to be healed was a time that I got stuck in an elevator during a thunderstorm at a condo we were visiting family at when I was 5. My friend and I ran and pressed the button ahead of my Mom and Aunt and got on. The door closed and and then the power shut off. We were trapped in a box of pitch black darkness for 45 minutes. I could hear my Mom and we were so scared. I remember comforting my friend and telling her that we will be ok. I was determined to get out of there. Finally the elevator repairman showed up and he gave me instructions on what to do and what buttons to push and honestly I don't remember much after that. I remember taking a bath after and then I don't remember how or if I processed what really happened. This trauma wanted to be healed that day and I had conversations with people that needed to happen a long time ago. It was a beautiful release and it was where the anxiety began to clear. She recommended grounding foods for dinner and she also told me about the Naturopath that her mom was seeing. I went to the store and grabbed sweet potatoes and chicken and called the Naturopath that day. My intuition had been telling me to contact a Naturopath since January and it was now July. Message received Universe. Thank you!

It would be a few weeks before I could get in to see the Naturopath and I also had to get a mammogram in between that time which I had no idea that you find out right there whether or not you have cancer. I totally would have been more prepared and taken at least my husband with me. So I had the mammogram and then they wanted me to have an ultrasound and I was like Holy shit it's cancer and when I got into th